She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
