I cut my penus on the lid.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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