I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
