Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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