tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
