and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
