if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
