he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
