note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
