i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
