Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
