i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
