watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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