Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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