is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish you could order shots online.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
