sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
