the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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