i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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