You know, be my cock's hype man.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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