I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
