Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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