I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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