I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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