i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
