So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
