I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
