you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
