Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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