I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
