I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
