My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
