I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
