On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
