guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
