I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
