I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
