Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
