Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
