Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
