I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
