Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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