i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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