shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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