I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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