god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
