So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
