boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
