omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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