Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
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