My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
