in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
