textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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